The Chicago Cubs baseball team. A model of mediocrity. The lovable loser. The fountainhead of futility. The sorry schmemiel. The absolute worst franchise in the history of professional sports. The last time they won anything was 1908.
To historically place 1908 in the proper context, Henry Ford produced his first Model T automobile in 1908. WWI started 6 years later. And dos hermansos bandidos Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were killed in a shootout with the Bolivian federales. OMG, here's the topper, in 1908, America only had 46 states.
1908, what a year...Cubs won the World Series while present day Arizona was still owned by the Mexicans. Talk about a drought! Winning a championship on the North Side of Chicago is like 'Waiting for Godot'. For you math and science types, Godot never arrives.
103 years ago, a plus century is a long long time to be a loser! If you were a loser for that long a time and you owned the team wouldn't you try almost anything to raise the Cubs from the dead. Well, that is exactly what the current Cubs' brass is trying to do by attempting to lure top free agent baseball players to Waveland Avenue and to that joke of a little league bandbox called Wrigley Field. They figure all they need is high priced talent to turn their franchise around. Hey owners of the Cubs raising the Cubs from last place is about as doable as raising the Titantic from the bottom of the North Atlantic.
This past week, the Cub brain trust, an oxymoron if there ever was one, expressed interest and contacted El Hombre, the future Hall of Famer St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols, who is a free agent and available to sign with any team who has three things: cash, more cash and alot more cash. The cash-strapped? Pujols is listening to all offers. But the Cubs? Let's be serious. Supposedly, Albert likes to win. Cubs lose. Or, does Albert like the cash more than winning?
Albert signing with the sorry-ass Cubs has as much chance as Obama converting to Christianity. About as much chance as Iran holding a birthday party for the the nation of Israel. About as much chance as Warren Buffett retiring. And about as much chance as Jerry Sandusky admitting to his intimate frontal shower rubs with 10 year old boys. Why would the best want to be the worst? Albert a Cub? A winner going to a loser. Why would Hermes want to be Gap? Why would BMW want to be Kia? And, why would New York City want to be Detroit? Sorry Motor City. You get the point.
But if Albert does sign with the perennially pathetic Cubs, that would give clear credence to the fact that Albert is alot older than his alleged 31 years. In fact, if he signs with the cuddly cubbies, it will prove proof positive that Albert is losing it upstairs. And will confirm the suspicions for many skeptics that Albert's true age is more grandfatherly than fatherly.
So, Albert can do one of three things: one, he can run for the cash to wherever, Chicago, Texas, god forbid the cultural wasteland known as Miami, or timbukto; two, he can retire from the game and take up golf; or, three, the most logical, he can re-sign a big contract with the winningest team in the National League and the reigning World Series champs, the St. Louis Cardinals, and continue to play for consistent winners in baseball heaven...in front of fans who adore him.
My hunch on Option #1 is he'll tell the Cubs "I can't wear that baby blue Winnie the Pooh uniform for whatever you offer". Regarding Option #2, Albert's a terrible golfer which would require years of practice and patience for which he has neither, so that's not particularly appealing. Which leaves option three of Albert re-signing with the Cardinals on their terms which should include a 2% ownership of the club for the rest of his life for his 11 years of exceptional loyalty, leadership and service to the STL. Talk about a healthy annuity for the rest of his life.
Over the years, Chicago took STL's railroads. Chicago took STL's commerce. Chicago took STL's population. But, Chicago will never take our Albert.
Nice try Cubs but a loser is always a loser. Just look at the scoreboard. 103 years of losing history doesn't lie. It's in the books.
Go Cards in 2012 win #12 with or without Albert...hopefully with.
Postscript: Cardinal Nation trust the DeWitts. They are very smart owners! They make those dunderheads to the North look like Fagan-esque devious street urchins in an adult professional world.
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