The Moonscape Open

On Thursday morning, golf's oldest major, The 140th Open Championship at Royal St. George's in Sandwich, Kent, England, just north of the Cliffs of Dover, gets underway on a dunesy windswept links course southeast of London. It is said on clear days, which are rare, one can see the coast of France across the English Channel from St. George's.

156 intrepid golfers will attempt to plant their country's flag as the Sunday victor/survivor on a patch of earth that looks more like the moon or an unmade bed than seaside England. And who will raise the Claret Jug as conqueror of the links this weekend? Don't have a clue. Everybody in the field is a favorite on this damnable piece of fescue. Whoever wins may recall another Neil Armstrong-moonscape "esque" line, "my win is one small step for (enter country) and one giant leap for never returning here again."

You may not know much about the venue so please indulge me. Royal St. George's is hosting The Open for the 14th time in Open History. Only three courses have more appearances than St. George's. The venerable St. Andrews is the alpha dog in The Open rotation with 27 visitations.

The last time The Open visited St. George's in 2003, a Kent State grad from Ohio, #396 in the world at the time, a 300:1 shot, playing in his first ever major championship, the ever-visored and unspectacular Ben Curtis, won by one stroke over the tormented Dane, Thomas Bjorn. Ben may have won The Open but Bjorn surely lost The Open with his stunningly feeble bunker mishaps on #16 that fateful Sunday afternoon. After receiving the jug, the stunned Curtis said, "I had no illusions of winning. I was just coming over to have some fun." and have a few pints. Got Yuengling?

So after 8 years away, The Open returns to St. George's. What can the players expect from this gnarly quirky quagmire of a golf course? Englishman Justin Rose summed it up best, "It's like playing on the surface of the moon. It's very much humps and bumps and you're very much at the mercy of the course in terms of the kicks and bounces you get. That's the great thing about links golf, though, you need to embrace that." And don't forget to bring a copy of spiritualist Eckhart Tolle's book Living a Life of Inner Peace. You'll need heavy doses of peace while you're walking through 72 holes of golf's perverted interpretation of Dante's Inferno.

St. George's will be a very stern test of golf for the best in the world. Certainly it will have the requisite R&A demonic contrivances for protecting par. Reduced par. Firm and fast everything. Length and narrowness. Holes that require a compass. Fairways with more bumps, angles and rolls than Totie Fields. Bunkers that resemble foxholes. Unreachable fairways. Unreachable par 3's. Bunkers that resemble bombholes. Dunes three stories plus tall and covered with steel wool. Rough that tangles hosels. Blind shots to nowhere yet somewhere. Greens as curvy as Katy Perry. Pins in Katy's no-nos. And just for added punishment and glee, the R&A will dial up the wind to skirt raising levels which seemingly changes direction on every hole. Ooops, I almost forgot the four letter word of the British Isles, RAIN. And all of this is presented as a honorable objective to protect the golf course from it being embarrassed by pin hunting fools on the world's stage. No worries there. For par will be safe. Surely, when the weekend is complete, the only embarrassment will be foisted upon the legion of professional golfers who will look like Joe-sixpacks on Sunday morning at the Muni.

So, if you like maddening golf and seeing grown men cry this is the tourney for you to watch. Again who will win this survival of the fittest? My money is on another 300:1 shot who just wants to have a good time. Someone with luck on his side, a peaceful brain and a steady hand on the tiller. John Daly. Not.

How 'bout Fredrik Andersson Hed 300:1 shot from Sweden winning? He looks the part. With that bald moondome head and relative obscurity, he may be the surprise awaiting us all. It would be fitting for someone so forgotten to win on a course that is so forgettable. Go FAH! I'm pulling for ya.